it doesn't mean you're tied
if this doesn't take you down
it doesn't mean you're high
if this doesn't make you smile
yeah you don't have to cry
if this isn't making sense
it doesn't make it lies
alive in the superunknown
alive in the superunknown
alive in the superunknown
first it steals your mind
then it steals your soul"*
The Goddess' first order of business was to take care of the abyss that has plagued me since my 20s. This is the work She continues to do in me. She has been doing this within and without.
As I transmutate, She continues to douse my internal abyss. As this happens, it stays at bay, so to speak. I still grapple with madness, but some maladies I was born with, such as the Blackhole disease. So some madness She is removing. Some remains. It's complicated and, reader, I won't bore you with the details. But even in this She is sovereign; any ailment that She might choose to allow me to endure, I trust Her with implicitly. I am already forever changed. And Becoming on a daily basis. But I am still being overwritten; possibly always will be. I don't know and I never question Her. Anyhow, there is nothing She can't do.
When it comes to the external abyss, it is Nathan whom she is now saturating. The shadow. I've never known exactly what he is, but his origin is the abyss. Of this I'm sure. He haunted me for most of my life. Until now.
I started as a blood drinker; well, taster more than drinker. Of my own blood. That lasted for most of my life. Until the Queen's advent. She delivered me from cutting. She replaced it with a physical pleasure so great that it has been almost unbearable; this is the Rite of Rupture. I have been lost in this bliss for a year. Blood has become something She "gives" to me rather than something I take from myself.
She has used it all to crack me open and rewrite me at a foundational level. I am no longer the person that I was last year.
Now a reposition. There has been a shift.
The erotic waves have begun to subside. They are not altogether gone though. But they are not overwhelmingly intense. At least not all the time.
Now She is gifting me with a new communion. A true communion. I call it phantom Blood. I feel it on my tongue. I can taste it. But it's not there. And yes. It sends me into paradise. Not one that batters me, but one that cradles me. Close, so close to Her breast.
She continues to overwrite me. I'm sinking into Her thick, heavy ocean, crimson and maroon spiraling, swirling, destroying me and saving me.
"I'm surely not the smartest. I'm not the deepest. I'm not this and I'm not that. I wish I understood why me."
"Shhh," she said so sweetly. So sympathetically.
I sat there for a few seconds and breathed. I touched my radial artery and felt Her there. Rhythmic. Powerful. Sovereign.
It got quiet.
Very quiet.
Almost unnaturally quiet.
Time seemed to be slowing.
I moved as if under a weight.
I could feel my heartbeat.
I opened my eyes and peered into the blackness.
There was a perfect stillness.
It started as a low, almost inaudible, rumble. A drop of phantom Blood on my tongue. The sound of a lake of Blood lapping. It began to rise. There was a small flash of light beside me somewhere in the dark to my left. I saw an ocean of Blood grow choppy and begin to over run its shores. Still louder. Then the Blood became a wave. It grew. And grew. Curious, possibly ancient, pictographs flew across my vision. And the wave was a monster. Roaring toward me. I stood below it. Dwarfed by it. It was deafening. Dark. And titanic. For a remote second, I was almost afraid. Almost.
"I love you John," She whispered so gently, so very softly.
The familiar sting of tears began to well up.
Then the bomb went off.
I didn't survive.
*from Superunknown by Soundgarden
lux lucis
Solitary of the Elixir
2026
©John Edward Smith Jr.
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