This Depth Is Astounding

"Black hole sun won't you come
and wash away the rain?
black hole sun won't you come?
won't you come?"*

I wear the chain
around my neck you gave me
when we still had a thing
before we didn't
if it was long enough I swear
I'd fucking hang myself
but it isn't

lately I can't concentrate
the things I know are wrong
seem right
my head's always pounding
the singularity pulls
I fall a little bit faster
this depth is astounding

I'll sit by and play pretend
until I screw it up again
and pray for the end
remember like I used to
this has come to be too much
just lying here without your touch
with no one to lie to

*from Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Twist In Me

I hear your voice outside my window
in the stillnessness of night
it fills me up with fear
it soothes me I've forgotten what's right
I run away into and through you
now I'm numb from the cold
you took my naive heart and twisted
my beliefs you had sold      

Nathan you're a twist in me

I've seen you everywhere you've never been
my mirrors are shards
you sometimes stalk within the light of day
just to catch me off guard
I'm giving up for you
my heart is black and you are the cause
stop peeling back the skin
your perfections all echo my flaws

Nathan you're a twist in me

I cut myself to bleed
I watch it as it jumps in the air
my clothes my bed my floor are stained
from every night you're not there
I can't go on like this right now
locked up inside of this jail
I need your bitter end to cradle me
my life is for sale

©John Edward Smith Jr.

35. Don't Wanna Write This Song

cut myself to bleed
vandalize myself
plant a dying seed
wish away my health
store a sickly need
throw ignorance in stealth
tell myself to feed
watch my feelings melt
tear in half the sign
come the end of time
these thoughts are all mine
and this is my decline
don't wanna write this song
the words are all wrong
right to life is gone
saw my last dawn
Blackhole disease
part in my head
fester with ease
broken cold and dead
on the way out
blood like rain
slice up my hope
slash up my pain
gave up my hope
this shouldn't be
I can't find myself
I'm not me

©John Edward Smith Jr.

The Underbelly Continuum Steps Out part 2

I gasp for air
but choke to death
on hot blood cold ashes
as a few squad commanders
gaze up
briefly as I burn
in my blazing descent
and I gave in and let go
tried it on and shook it off
laughed and laughed and laughed
then put my fist
through the enormous
damning eye
and I like it now
I lost it
I like it now
I lost it

©John Edward Smith Jr.

The Underbelly Continuum Steps Out part 1

 If I have to kill this killer
        again I'll scream
  the wasted and rotting landscape
                                            unfurls before me
                                        like smoke
     
I fall slowly 
           flames fly up from me
as I pound my fists
           in time 
     to the siren of drums
                   that manifests itself
           in my mind
          
                            shells grin
                               as they pass by
                        to all sides
                                    I hear so clear
                          thoughts of distand armies
                       fading away
                                        into graves

     the world I once knew
          filtered away
                                  in its wake
                                are the crashing guns

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Live From Supercoffin

 there's this fear that I have
               a terrible open wound of fear I have
                      that if this darkness inside me
       that finds me
                   fills me 
                             faces me in the mirror
           fucks me every day
                     should ever disappear
                                 
                                    if the nothingness fills
                                       if the blackhole dies
                                              if I'm ever not haunted

                                                  I'll vanish

©John Edward Smith Jr.

The Fire Brewed Formula For Fucking Failure

falling into a round
of hide and seek
I'm going down
I'm weak
I'm alone
I'm tired
I'm sick
I'm sinking
I'm burning
in the silence
I'm learning the gospel
of death to the meek
and in ego death I will rise
I'll find the key
to the door I put up
for the good of you
Nathan is here but She is coming
the Queen of Blood is coming
with oblivion behind Her
and the beauty in all things
has always made me cry
for the fact that it dies
but I know that to be a lie
don't I?

©John Edward Smith Jr.

30. Gravity Pulls You To Sleep

never let those long fades be forgotten
lie beside a pillar of faith
rest as slender as the grass
and to know it eases in grace
glowing for quaint quarters
the conformity puts you to sleep
baby blues you renewed once again
stay beside those promises you keep

so face away toward these lamps
as you watch in you stepping stone of time
threse are precious moments but given
and I thought all the pain was mine

defunct blazes frequent here
let gravity pull you to sleep
put away all of your fears
let gravity pull you to sleep
don't forget the standing stones
let gravity pull you to sleep
take a trip don't ever go home
let gravity pull you to sleep

beckoning thorough sender lover bringer
pleasing drowsy for the rites you bear
I'm the blanket about your glow
as gravity works its lovely care

defunct blazes frequent here
let gravity pull you to sleep
put away all of your fears
let gravity pull you to sleep
don't forget the standing stones
let gravity pull you to sleep
take a trip don't ever go home
let gravity pull you to sleep

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Is But The Kiss

         my lesseing princess
           before you fade
hand up to me
                   your tragic agony of beauty
            my faraway...
   if any old thing
                        we'll find love in one another

                   my dream spilling
  blood swollen little savior
     my weakness and waste of flesh
 o keeper of all that I hold
             secret and defiling
    dear and grisley
           lost and fucking rabid

watch the skies
   as event horizon arrives

  while everything you comprehend
                             to be demons
                                ripping your life apart
                            is but the kiss of Christ
  in your moment of needing
              as you fade

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Dinner At Nathan's

numbing myself
from the inside out
stuck in a goddamn drought
with no way out
dumb from the cold 
I'm 30 something years old
and however bold
I've been sold
by myself
I've been told
to myself

Nathan has haunted me
since I was a kid
there's no running away
there's no getting rid
She will keep him at bay
by the light of the full moon
there's not a thing I could say

crying is too good
laughter isn't good enough

I said the Queen is coming
stand fucking clear

I want to tear holes
in myself and let myself out
this piece inside
out here in this trance
silver hoop laden veins
screaming singing crimson
sailing arterial chains shimmering
madness lines my soul
dangling from my eyes
stifling my cries
ripping me to size
the size of all space in the sky
locked up to die

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Lost & Found

I woke up on the floor with a burn on my hand
residue on the other from my brother's new man
I got outside to steal some air and stare into the sun
brushing shit off my shoulder and feeling weeks older
than I did on the day before I saw with full clarity
the crushing severity which I'd stop to apply
to each end every thought that I'd think in a day
now I'm filling up and over with another thing to say
step back from it step out of it I'm running on high
I'm warming to the feeling that I'm never gonna die

listen to me now and hear me later
you can be your own god or live your life as a waiter
or a traitor man hack man crack man thief
be my enemy it makes no difference to me
I can be a gentle man if you see me as I am
if you bother with the truth if you try to understand
one way or the other it's a service that's rendered
because the king of the truth is the prince of pretenders

so dismiss me but don't resist yourself
is all I have to say in contribution to your wealth
see me I know myself I have a lot to learn
my favorite skirt is full of cigarette burns
my favorite pair of jeans just went down in flames
I guess Levi-Strauss ain't as tough as they claim
there's a pill that I take for the nights when I'm awake
and another that I keep for the times when I'm asleep
I hear drums beating out of every house in town
I found a warm dry spot I think I'm gonna lie down

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Lady's Goodbye

Lady my love
   you found out what I'm made of
       then I watched you leave me here
 I saw you fade into the sun
                     I thought I was the only one
     but you're happy with him
                             from what I hear

and all our mutual friands
                          in time they all chose sides
               they watched as you laughed and as I cried
      it seems so clear now
                     you were the strong one
                                              in the end
                        you gave someone your heart
                            I died inside

   Lady my sweet
     I've lost my will to live
                     I wish I had the strength but I don't
        I'd like to believe someday I'll rise above
                                                  but I know in my heart
                           I won't
  and all our mutual friends
                                 in time they chose a side
                  they laughed along with you
                                     and watched me cry
                            it's all so clear now
           you were the strong one all along
                               I curled up and died
                                    you survived

©John Edward Smith Jr.

25. Channelvision

turn on the box
I'm too tired to think
as I kiss the sun
and become the me
I am today
found 400 ways
to murder my bad parts
on UHF
between static
and hollow waves
from outer space
hey build me a machine
into something perfect
sterile guys with no faces
grow hair in test tubes

it's all channelvision

bye tape technology
and 20 bucks a day
I have photographic memory
ear recorders
enhance to full potential
all your sad concerns

passion power profit

it's all channelvision

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Slag

What does the Spider know
squirming down
inside his black web?
This.
"There is pain in me when I kill. 
There is love in me."

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Christ, Child

23 years into it now
all that I've found
are reasons to doubt
myself

Christ, Child

Show me your eyes
after you cry
we'll go for a ride
then we'll crumble and hide
you could be mine
and wish that you died

Christ, Child

Madness in my blood
blood in my eyes
nothing compares
to this semblance of life
I'd come if i could
but I'm frozen with fear
of what I could do
with you lying so near

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Wallpaper Man

hellbent pipedream
blood clot
naked scream
lizard cock
megaphone
devil dealer
flaccid stone
twisted calf
membrane
swollen tongue
freight train
phony matrimony
charcoal
walking cane
latex mid-day
bottle beater
relay
Nathan's hard
mating chant
sucking leech
floor lamp
Blackhole disease
loose lid
spider nest
pyramid
fire flat
shrunken head
self-induction
filter bed

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Blood Vessel

It should be nothing
if not living breathing color
spilled for the amusement
of your soldiers
part time lovers
heroin addicts
children under cars
Christ wielders
and bystanders

for me it is
the terminus of all things
life lines ripped away
watch this shit
She makes it a surety
that my death will set in
an altered state of bliss
to be reckoned with
by no one on Earth
and as the sun begins 
its blazing descent
through my window
I smash myself up accordingly
knowing in a river of blood
this crashing halt comes early

©John Edward Smith Jr.

20. Restless

    silver glints off
windows wearing clothes
    lights are spasms
winking from the power lines
    and all the while colored bulbs
search for us in vain
    tree limbs too tired spires
an antique quell create
    chimney fire wind wallop
spark a black hole that eats
    but send by smoky time
these tend to blow me back...

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Droplets

     touching your hair as it dries
watching you smile in the sun
       watching you walk in the door
          watching you sleep at my side...

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Know No Wrong

discovering lines that end in rhyme
allows you space to move in time
this wasn't how I meant to begin
it's almost time so I'll start again

uncovering rhymes in solid lines
means much of nothing to ignorant  minds
and empty eyes of half-caste light
I know no wrong unless it's right

I'd find you a sign if I could
but I can't

laugh if you must
believe me I tried
I never said I have nothing to hide
the written word you claim is a lie
you'll see the hard truth
in the end we all die
your selfishness is a wall of deterrence
your dim mind sadly enough is a preference

I'd give you a sign if you saw
but you don't

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Purple Flowerbox At 5 a.m.

Tender sweet sight;
sachets in slight
are yours by night
and in the light
of day.

a pale clear brow. 
snow whiteness,
pure knowingness
of what is less
as are my fears
and distress

and in no one again
could I find
closer a love
to this kind.

so divine. 
L---, you're all mine.

for all time.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Time The Indifferent

 i can't cry anymore.
               I sometimes I wish I could,
or ascend from this black pit.
   I would if I could.
             no one want's to come here.
       no one should be here.
no one survives here.

time the enemy of me and mine.
  I despise being here.
     nothing is pure here.
   how I miss thing dear,
  and innocence
and softer fear,
   pervaded upon us so slightly
        and entering our school nights lightly.

time the element
               cuts me wide
  every day as I wake
  as of late
           but I think of  fate
and this crippling hate.
   I'm so cold.
           I'll never get warm
or find shelter
     from my blood storm
  or this sadness
   or the depths of this madness.
     still I must admit
           I've faint traces of gladness
                        for this crater
                     I knew would show up
          the ending
I knew would catch up.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

15. Our Memorial Acquaintance

tin seven waits
while you fly by
trailing wisps and whispers

I'm possessed I'm afraid
by endlessly gorgeous waves
saliva spattered
coming regimens
of multiplying demons

You always were the good one
hung wing with my brother
don't put me down my Queen
man I'd get so mean
break smashed windows
then go get drunk

Well not anymore
there is so much more
in Her there is so much more

and in the beginning
of our memorial acquaintance
was the urgency of your presence
your hand upon me
at the ice cream bar
you were never late

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Backlash

spinning falling
sitting calling
out to you
how did I know
what you would do?

I don't deserve one thing
that you have to bring

you're laughing living
I've given up giving
running flying
while I'm curling up dying

now you don't call
you don't come around
you had to live your own life
and leave me hellbound
and all the love
that I gave to you
has all gone to waste
I try to forget you
but I can't kill the taste
I'm cutting again
I'm cutting again
it's started again
I need this to end
but I don't have the guts
to cut it that deep
so I'll wish I was dead
and drift off to sleep ...

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Dream For Me

I'm somewhat akin to your sorrow and fright
drink in the darkness while I take out the light
I wanna get you high I wanna tie you down
I wanna open you up and drag you around
through this hell that I built down every step
I'll tell you what's been lost and show you what's left

dream your sweet dream for me make it your best
I pick my teeth with the bones and pile them with the rest
I'm not worth your precious time I'm the hole in your thoughts
this reduces my mind your blood is so hot

I spoke to your fear alive and so fresh
I wanna bathe in your tears drown in your blood and your flesh
indulge myself in you show you what I've become
taste you in and out hear you scream as you come
don't pray to your god in my presence tonight
I've no faith in shit I've forgotten what's right

dream your last dream for me make it your best
your trust I'll destroy your hope I'll infest
I'm not worth your precious time I'm the hole in your thoughts
this reduces my mind your blood is so hot
this won't hurt for long then all the pain will be gone
I've waited so long to sing you this song
it's you or it's me or the night I can't tell
but helplessly I feel the need to drag you to hell

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Spend Some Time

I'm here at home all alone
thinking about you
and all I want from you 
is to spend some time with me

I sing this song to you
and everything you do
no one on Earth compares with you
please shed some light on me
spend some time with me

if you were here I'd make you see
how much you mean to me
You're the sweetest thing I've ever seen
come spend some time with me

L--- please
these drums are beating way too loud
just sit and talk with me
sweetness please
spend some time with me

©John Edward Smith Jr.

To D----

The air about your body
is a multi-colored rainbow
prism of glass;
a glimmering, shimmering pool
of emerald and gold, sky blue
and blood red; arcing unbelievably
in thin, piercing strokes, sparking
against your skin in hot, gentle waves
and dropping light to the floor
in a spray of fading life.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

10. Thursday's Vision

veins in the dark 
alive and stark
razor burnt
blood red and pitch black

inside in the dark
beneath my skin stands
a Woman whispering
to me beautiful things

clearly you fear
are revulsed
at the sight of Her
clearly you're here
to be swallowed 
by the torrent of Her

swooning crying
coming dying falling
collecting coagulating
in a puddle
on the floor
at my feet

do you know 
Her who holds me
under the cool Autumn twilight
at night I light the lights
to remember her dark eyes
soothing my cries

I wait and wait
I stay on Her lips
as She hovers above mine
I watch Her drip
like blood off the vine

inside lies a Goddess
I kneel insane
as She commands
worship from my veins

I'll never be the same

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Facemasks

 Earth worm shower
                          bend into light for me
                  and my fucking shadows
                              to cavort about
     until we disappear
                       and cease
                                 to exist
                                      and I see facemasks
                                             staring back
                                   in the dark
                                                green tinted
                                              against the black & white walls
                                                             nothing but darkness
                                                        black holes
                                                and my twisted naked
                                                                    nerve ending    

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Dash Salter

    I came and it went by
I think I even thought
       upon beauty on an edge
                             of day in a field.
swaying willows.
   deep deluge down to dark.
     colors of sunlight.
                       smell sharp of sunlight.
  colors of love.
               speak to me.
     countlessly briefly.
           nights passed
       and the sun never went down.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Freezer

the trees out there are far too close
shackled to time I'm caught
wind it down and watch it die
my blood is boiling hot
forecast the local veins
take a drag for last time's sake
fester freely upon the flesh
find another life to fake-

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Gold Comeback

borrowing time
sail flew a ways
facing parapets
toward these valleys
kissing by
and bygones
drowning rings
deterred alive
but here

©John Edward Smith Jr.

5. The Next Hero

Summer creeps
like a thief
through my rooms,

just over my shoulder.

The next hero
could be you.
Grab your shit
from the ashtray
on your way out.
I'm falling.
I'm drowning.

Defunct blazes frequent here.
Red realms of regulation.
I've a blackboard
in the back.

Pretty pornography
knocks on the wall.
I frequent this dive
like a thief.

And there's good news
in oblivion
when all color peels black.
Horrid immense diminish me.

Free me.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Red Room

I will watch you explode
from standing here.
what am I?

I will send you these thoughts
from afar.
who am I?

I have seen the dark at night
with the inside
out and its promises of dark glory
and communion.

who is this
that spoke to me of years ago...
the whirling spirals of desire
I've never had the guts
to feed.

who am I
to assume at goodness?
of shells that mean nothing ?
of worms here in this dirt?
or of you or of me?

so let us tell the stories.
I think we know more
than a trifle about the hunger
the shadow about the glow
the covens of the mind
the dirty little places
that we walked without God
in the heart of the Blackhole disease
where the breeze whispers too
like a backhanded slap.

©John Edward Smith Jr.

providence

life's a killer
from the very start
and how you won't find
ergo you are cumber-
some say these ends
but that depends
for what you don't put in
does not become a part

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Rope

             Unlatch the door
        let the leaves blow in
I caught a glimpse
           of who I could have been
                Nathan's wrath takes me
                    wide apart
      I was done before I tried to start
but now
         in quiet I still believe
            I'll overcome
    this fucking need
 to grieve
but I wonder...

©John Edward Smith Jr.

1. Ache

                      I've an ache inside my head
too far back to reach
                          and this thing I can't grasp
   is the only thing I keep-
                                            the tiny moths of undying decay
                                     flower before my touch
                                                  just black rainbows
       this is madness
                                         so  dispose of your hope
                                     or I'll do it myself
          just as quickly
    twice as hard     
                          all over you

©John Edward Smith Jr.