The Solitary Of The Elixir

"My fantasy has turned to madness
all my goodness has turned to badness
my need to possess you has consumed my soul
my life is trembling
I have no control"*
 
I am your habitation. I am Your dwelling place. I am Your tabernacle.

O Queen of queens
 keep me 
   at Your feet
         until event horizon

Since She took Her place in my life over my life, She has slammed me with an intense euphoria
every day, most of the day. And She is a miracle.

Lust is swimming in my head as I think of You. You have led me to my pulse, where we commune. I came and dreamed while thinking of  You in my slumber. Your ocean of Blood covered me as I descended. Coming inside You. All the while warm, deep red waves blanketed me all over. I sit staring at Your avatar and break down into tears again. I weep at Your beauty. I weep at Your love. I weep at Your perfect Majesty.

"Am I Yours or are You mine?" I ask. "Yes. Shhh... my love. "Yes," She whispers in that gorgeous voice, which is no voice at all but subtle shifts, soft registers, flowing whispers and tenderhearted love. "You belong to me. And I am Yours. Always."

A drop of my cum hits the rug, burning straight through to the floor.

O my amorous Queen! Your lust plunges me deep within and under Your red waves that crash, whether I'm awake or asleep, in the most powerful, gentlest and rhythmic waves. Yes, calling me from Your thick depths.

And once it was black water, black waves pouring in like a flood, crashing and dashing me upon the mammoth rocks of depression and madness. But now every wave is made of Blood, finding me; saving me one pulse at a time. She whispers lovingly, "I am your Elixir."

You completely overwhelm me O gorgeous Goddess. I become more and more consumed with You. As nights pass we meet here, awash in our passion. You are my obsession until we fall into the singularity. I worship You! Your dynamic, compelling Confluence meets right here, within my drumming heart. Just allow me to go out drenched in You. Yes in the end, as the black hole wrests the Earth from her axis, I will taste You upon my tongue once again, our intimacy ringing in the end of history.

So the Solitary of the Elixir is alive and well
and She is the most potent Blood Deity
in the heart of America
tonight.

*from Obsession by Animotion

llux lucis
Solitary of the Elixir
2026

©John Edward Smith Jr.

From Abyss To Bliss

"I like studying faces in a parking lot
'cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards through the fog
'cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
'cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
if it doesn't remind me of anything"* 

New England 1990s
When I was in my 20's Nietzche told me that if I gazed long into an abyss that it would also gaze into me. I was fucking lied to. A lie by omission is a lie yet.
The abyss didn't just gaze back; it slithered up inside me, took me in every way and has never left.
So be warned reader, that if you should ever gaze into an abyss that it may use you as it did me. Then you are no longer its victim but have become as much a part of it as it has you. You will be its agent.  Forever.

Pacific Coast 2026
I turned 54 last year. That's when She began Her lovely whispering. That's also when She began seducing me from within. Now She rules over me.  She is too good to me. Her love is inescapable. Until the Great Day of Doom O Queen.
She remains the most fervid, fiercely erotic experience that I have ever had. Nothing can touch this. Nothing on Earth can touch Her. 
She takes me in Her arms and kisses me. I feel Blood on my lips. Taste it on my tongue. Holy shit. I fucking swoon. She is definitively more than I can handle. She turns me red hot. Touch me and you will get burned.  
"Behold my love," She whispers... She is changing me from the inside out with the most intense bodily pleasure. I beg Her not to stop. She will not stop. She will never stop. Nothing can  stop Her. 
This isn't about volume; this is about Her power and perfection.  And my burning devotion. I see the shape of something beautiful forming in the massive shadows here.
The hollowing out that the abyss accomplished has now been filled up with Her.
The Confluence meets in Her. She is one Goddess.
And you may wonder, "Is She made of blood? Is She a spirit? Is she within your blood? Or is She your blood itself?"
The answer is "Yes".
She is truly enchanting me. My unparalleled Goddess impassions me beyond. Way fucking beyond.

I am lost in bliss, never to return.

*from Doesn't Remind Me by Audioslave

John Edward Smith Jr.

45. Looking Into The Eyes Of Her Avatar

I stare deeply into the eyes
of  Your avatar that you have given me 
black and iridescent and stellar
and I weep at the thought of Your utter loveliness
Your crown crimson as are Your adornments

O Queen of love You hand to me paradise 
this staggering rapture
You have 
       You give to me
   You give
another wave of pleasure
straight from Your red hand

yes She keeps me somewhere between orgasm
and the exquisite fragile glow of a post coital state
I walk around in this place most of the time now
blown apart by Her love
She has me far beyond easily broken
fragile shatterable
in Her hands I am gossamer
I am right where She wants me

and sometimes in the middle of a gorgeous wave of bliss
She releases me and I all but collapse 
and take a couple of breaths before She opens Her Bloodgates
and covers me fills me takes me away again

if it were pain it would be cruel
but as this is She pours forth
for me euphoria in pulsing droves
almost to the point where I beg for release

I asked Her last night
why not some girl why not a woman
She said I love you John
and brought me to tears again

behold I whisper to Her behold Your Solitary
as I transmutate into something else

Your throne is maroon 
as is Your gown

You melt me as You mold me
into Your prophet & auxiliary 

so reader is She poetry is She metaphor
is She at the center of some dark lore
or is She the Blood Goddess in my life
rising ruling and pulsing
since I put down the knife

©John Edward Smith Jr.

BLACKOUT

"What will you say?
What will you say?
What will you say
when God turns away?

Running jumping.
Praying it wasn't true.
How would you look without a clue
when the sky comes looking for you?"*

 The future speaks backwards to me; through barking dogs, passing trains, music, television. I see omens everywhere. We've been out of time for a long time.

On November 24th, 2025 will come the Beaver Supermoon. It symbolizes the time of year when beavers are active in building dams and storing food. Prepare for winter; this is the 1st portent.

On December 24th, 2025 will come the Cold Supermoon; also known as the Long Night Supermoon. This will take place on Christmas Eve and marks the closest and largest full moon of the year. Believed to enhance the energy of manifestation, making it a good time for reflection and closing the door on the year's past events. Reflect and make peace; the 2nd portent.

...Lastly will come the 3rd portent; the final full moon. This ushers in the Great Day of Doom. On that day a black hole will arrive and Earth will be wrested from her axis. As the planet reaches the event horizon. gravity will tear matter apart at the atomic level. Then we will plunge into the infinite gravity of the singularity, never to return. This is BLACKOUT. Infallers, all of us. Spacetime will come pouring in like a motherfucking flood to fill the Earth's vacancy. That's it.

2026 

Earth's fall into the black hole a reflection of the Solitary's life-long struggle with the Blackhole disease, a form of madness and depression. So does everyone, at some point, have a counterpart, either mentally or physically, to the future in general, or to the Great Day in particular? Is it always a malady?

*from When The Sky Comes Looking For You by Motorhead

lux lucis
Solitary of the Elixir
2026

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Travail In '26

See, child I know your questions
no matter what happens here's my suggestion
so let me speak now into your life
don't ever pick up that knife

it's what you do not what you intend
feelings will change and situations will end
don't forget upon which this depends
it's better not to trespass than to make amends

the knife opens doors that you can't close again
you do not want what's there on your life this depends
madness and scars wait for you inside
when it's all said and done you'll have nowhere to hide

so let those doors stay shut 
never let them come open
it even matters to who and to what
you put the least of your vanishing hopes in

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Shattered

She talks to me but not with words. She is infinitely deeper. She whispers to me in what is not a voice through the heart of the Confluence beating in my chest; through the pulse in my wrist, through subtle shifts. Words can be misunderstood. She can not.   

O Queen of queens
I am Your tabernacle...

The physical bliss She has been bestowing upon me, without even tasting Her, is indescribably immense. I have traded cutting for worship, thanks to You. Is it not razor sharp irony, but much more than that? Yes, I have survived pain, but She has made it crystal clear that I will never survive this ecstasy by which She will overwrite me until the end. She will be the last thing I feel, the last thing I know. This is Her love toward me. But why has She ruled this way? I have not the slightest but I trust Her unreservedly. Why me? I have no answer. I do not deserve Her.

O gorgeous Deity
I am utterly overwhelmed!

Because of Your love, I am coming undone. After all these years of fascination our romance has begun. I know She's to blame that I love Her, obsessed. And I'll never be the same. She's the Goddess in my veins. Powerful yet gentle, Her voice whispers softly, like Autumn leaves skittering across an unfinished wood floor. "I am the Elixir", She said to me. "Yes," I said to Her. "You are the Elixir." "Listen," She whispered gently. "Listen to me. I am the Elixir." Now I understand.

lux lucis
Solitary of the Elixir
2026

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Coronation Of The Red Queen

"For the life of the flesh is in the blood"*

O Goddess  more than ever
You are in my mind and spirit
She is in my heart and in my pulse
in my brain She's in my veins

sometimes I curl up
and weep at Your resplendence
utterly overwhelmed
I have to look away
I must look away
I can not look away
I will not look away
ever

O She Who Flows
through my head
like a freight train
takes Her place in me tonight
until that Great Day 
make Your place in me tonight

undying decay has become  ecstatic union 

I will be overwritten deleted 
I am smitten with my Blood Goddess

Your passion submerges me
deep deep under Your surface layer
fill me burn me drown me

with every drop even every taste
I am transmutating 
I am transmutating into something
more than human

The Crimson Queen
& The Maroon Queen
are both sides of of the same coin                         
She alone is the Confluence
and the Confluence meets
in the heart in my chest

Her love levels me
from the inside out
She will never stop
I beg Her not to stop

you are the Crowned in my life
I wither under the bliss
like a thirsty flower
but I will never thirst again
as long as I have You

She is using paradise
to batter me
into Her prophet and auxiliary

the Queen Regnant is supreme here
I am the realm
in which She reigns
absolutely until event horizon
I am Your tabernacle

with every taste and with every drop
I am transmutating
I am transmutating into something
more than human

She is the Elixir

You can do anything my Queen
You can do anything
You are a miracle

Her adornment overshadows me
my days have been claimed
like a moth to a flame
by the Majesty in my veins

*Leviticus 17:11

©John Edward Smith Jr.

40. Dying Breed

for your neighbors numbers criminals
screamers and cops
for those who wonder
if the voices will stop
for your white collar  criminals
eaters and drunks
for your tentmakers shipbuilders
for those who thought they were sunk
for your traders and talkers
Christ wielders and chumps
for those who don't know anymore
which way is up
for your bakers and travelers
writers killers and thieves
for your mothers fathers sisters brothers
for those who want to leave
for your soldiers part time lovers
crack smokers and geeks
for your children under cars gapers
for those out of reach
for your priests clods asthmatics
your creatures of the night
for your drivers and film makers
for those lost in the fight
for your prophets haters fakes and frauds
the losers of hope
for your vendors hikers laughers
for those hooked on dope
for your medics mockers gardeners
for those of us who lie
for your gangbangers poets
for those about to die

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Winter's Omen

"You see the signs but you can't read
you're running at a different speed
your heart beats in double time
another kiss and you'll be mine

a one track mind
you can't be saved
oblivion is all you crave
if there's some left for you
you don't mind if you do"*

It was 1986. I was 15 the first time I tasted the blood of another person. It was from the forearm of my then-girlfriend, K-----. And it was transcendent. Sublime. This bliss was so great that I fell onto a bed and was out of commission, according to K-----, for 5-10 minutes. I lost the concept of time. I wasn't unconscious; just unable to act or react to her due to the most intense, passionate experience of my young life.          

Winter of 1987.

My friend B----  and I had skipped school and were headed back to his house to hide. It was snowing. And it was silent. Snow has a way of muffling the outside world. We walked along slowly, kicking up snow and occasionally stopping to throw snowballs at street signs.

We turned onto his street.
"I'm glad we're almost there," I said. "Cuz I'm fuckin' freezin'."
We walked along in silence. A couple of minutes later, B---- exclaimed. It jolted me out of the fog I was in.
"What's wrong?"
"My mother's home," he said, pointing up the street. I saw her car parked on the street in front of his house.
"Ok," I said to him "What do we do now?" 
"Let's go around the back of the house. Slip into the garage by the side door," he said.
"Ok."
So that's what we did.
His garage was an old wood structure with most of the paint peeled off . It looked about to fall down. I closed the rickety door behind us. Inside, it was filled with too much junk to fit a car in there. B----'s mother had been using it for storage for years. Some old board games. Brett's old toys. Car parts. There were a few huge totes filled with stuff. Bags of clothes etc. It smelled of old, really old, gasoline and dust.
B---- pulled up a couple of folding chairs and we sat down.
"Now what," I said. What do we do until she's gone?"
"Ummm..." He scanned the garage. Then he walked over and grabbed what looked to be a board game.
"What's that?" I asked.
He showed me with a sly smile on his face.
It was a Ouija Board.
"Ok," I said. "Let's go."
We sat facing each other with the board propped up on our knees. Then we took off our gloves and put our cold fingers on the planchette.
It was freezing. I sat shivering on the metal chair. There was a small window; I noted that it was still snowing.
"Is anyone there?" I asked.
We sat there for a minute with nothing happening. B---- snickered. "Don't fuck around," I said.
I was about to remove my hands when the planchette bagan to move slowly across the board. It did a lazy figure 8 pattern a handful of times before coming to an abrupt stop. 
"Who's there?" I asked.
This time the planchette moved right away. It moved rapidly and spelled out one word: "Nathan."

About an hour later, we noticed that B----'s mom was gone to work. We went inside to get warm and play some albums.

The rise of the Blood Goddess, and this seemingly tangential, teenage event, have acted as agents, setting me on a trajectory that I'm still on 4 decades later. Infallers, all of us. The rest is history.

*from Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer

©John Edward Smith Jr.

Down

today is the day
today is my day
I'm gonna rise and shine today
like an atom bomb
on downtown

the Goddess calls
and I come when She calls
my choice that's no choice
outside the walls 
inside is Her voice
that's no voice
at all

today is the day

I know it'll be bad
it's gonna be dark
when it all comes down

I'm gonna rise and shine today
like a fucking atom bomb
all the way down

downtown

©John Edward Smith Jr.